Tex (Dixie Reapers MC 6) Page 6

  “Sorry,” I said.

  She blinked at me, looking a little dazed, then took another sip from her flute. From what I’d gathered, the food at Hillview had been severely lacking. I’d tried to introduce some new foods to Kalani over the last few weeks, and her stomach hadn’t tolerated a lot of them very well. She looked healthier, though, and had even filled out a little more. She’d called herself heavy when I’d first brought her home, but she hadn’t been. Now her curves were more pronounced, and fuck if she wasn’t the sexiest woman I’d ever seen. I lifted the lid on her dinner and watched as her eyes went wide and mouth dropped open a little.

  “We haven’t really tried seafood yet. I’m hoping you aren’t allergic,” I told her.

  “What is all this?”

  I pointed out each thing. “Lobster, shrimp scampi, scallops, and rice pilaf. I was going to order calamari, but I thought we’d better save that for another day. All this might be too much for you as it is.”

  “Everything smells so good.”

  The lobster tail was already cracked open. “Just pull out a bite of the lobster and dip it in the butter sauce. And if you don’t like something, then don’t eat it. Hell, if you don’t like any of this, we can order something else.”

  “I’m sure I’ll love it,” she said, giving me a slight smile. “You really didn’t have to go to all this trouble. I know you didn’t really want to marry me, and now you’ve done all this. It’s too much, Tex.”

  “No, it’s just the right amount,” I assured her. “And I never said I didn’t want to marry you.”

  She tried a bite of lobster, and the sexiest moan I’ve ever heard slipped past her lips. My dick got hard, and I quickly sat so she wouldn’t notice. While I enjoyed my food, I think I enjoyed watching Kalani far more. The silence between us wasn’t awkward, so I just let her eat her dinner. The look of rapture on her face was one I would remember for a long time. We both cleaned our plates, not having eaten for hours, then I led her over to the sofa.

  I reached for a strawberry, then hesitated. “It’s possible you could be allergic to these. Obviously, shellfish isn’t an issue, so maybe you don’t have any food allergies.”

  “What happens with a food allergy?” she asked.

  “Um, well. I guess it depends on the severity. Some people just itch, get red splotches, or swell a little. Or you could stop breathing.”

  She just blinked at me, then slowly reached for a strawberry, dipped it into the chocolate, then took a bite. I watched and didn’t see any sort of reaction, other than her eyes rolling into the back of her head with every bite. She’d polished off three strawberries before I grabbed one. All right, so no strawberry allergy either.

  When the strawberries were gone, and we’d each had a second glass of champagne, I knew it was time to call it a night. I was starting to feel a slight buzz, which was ridiculous considering how much I typically drank. I stood and held out my hand for her, then helped her to her feet. I could feel the nervous energy running between us as we entered the bedroom. A silk nightgown was already laid out across the bed for her, and I wondered if she’d done that before we left earlier. I didn’t remember her buying one, but maybe she’d gotten it when she picked out her wedding dress? It looked like one of those fancy bridal-type nightgowns I’d seen in stores before. I tried not to read anything into it.

  “Do you want a shower or bath before bed?” I asked. “I could run some water in the tub for you.”

  “I think I’d rather just go to bed, if that’s okay?”

  “Sure. I’ll just, uh, step out of the room so you can change.”

  I turned, but her voice stopped me.

  “Tex, you’ve already seen me naked.”

  I swallowed hard. Yeah, but my dick hadn’t been hard as a damn post the last time. Now she was healthy, and it was our wedding night. My cock hadn’t gotten the message that this was a marriage in name only. All the big guy in my pants knew was that Kalani was my wife, and that should mean some fun time in the bedroom.

  I heard the rustle of fabric and closed my eyes tight, trying not to imagine her undressing. When I heard her climb onto the bed, I turned and my heart nearly stopped. The ivory silk of her nightgown clung to her curves, and the swells of her breasts showed above the lacy V-neck. I couldn’t help but stare.

  “Are you coming to bed?” she asked.

  I slowly eased my jacket down my arms and draped it over the chair in the corner. I removed my holster and gun, locking them in the hotel-provided safe, then kicked off my shoes. A glance in Kalani’s direction showed that she was watching my every move, and it was enough to make me move even slower. Her gaze tracked my hands as I undid the front of my shirt, then pulled it free of my pants and tossed it on top of my jacket. I pulled off my socks and let them fall onto the floor, but I hesitated when I reached for my pants.

  “Kalani, maybe I should sleep on the couch tonight.”

  She crawled down to the foot of the bed, then sat on her knees, watching me. I didn’t know what she wanted, or needed, so I moved a little closer to her, making sure I didn’t make any sudden movements. When she reached out and placed her hand on my chest, I damn near swallowed my tongue.

  “Kalani…”

  “I know I saw you without a shirt before, but I didn’t get to really look. I thought seeing a naked man would scare me, but knowing it’s you makes a difference. I know you won’t hurt me. You would have already if you were going to.”

  “Have you never seen a man without his shirt on? Other than me?” I asked.

  She shook her head, while she explored my chest and abs with her hand. Her fingers trailed down lower, pausing when she reached the waist of my pants. She stared for what felt like forever before she lifted her gaze to mine.

  “You’re…”

  “Hard?” I asked. “Yeah, sweetheart. But I don’t expect anything of you. Can’t help what happens when a beautiful woman touches me.”

  I could see a hint of fear in her eyes, but it quickly vanished, and I didn’t know how to make her feel more comfortable. I’d already offered to sleep on the couch. She said she didn’t fear me, but I think she wasn’t being completely honest with herself. After what she’d survived, I wouldn’t expect her to just spread her legs and beg for my cock. She had every right to be scared, and I would never force her to have sex with me, even if we were married now.

  “It’s not the first time I’ve been hard around you, Kalani. Just looking at you is enough to do that to me.”

  Her face paled and she started to pull away, but I grabbed her hand.

  “I didn’t tell you that to scare you more. I did it to point out that I can be hard and not act on it. Have I ever touched you when you didn’t want me to?” I asked.

  She shook her head.

  “And I never will.” I released her hand and waited to see what she would do. She didn’t run away, so I counted that as progress.

  I unfastened my pants and let them fall to the floor. “I’m going to take a shower.”

  I walked around the side of the bed, wearing only my boxer briefs, stepped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. My heart was hammering in my chest as I started the shower, hoping it would be enough to drown out any sounds. There was no way I could get into bed with my new wife while my dick was this damn hard and not want to reach for her. The last thing I wanted to do was scare her, and having my cock tenting the sheets would likely do that. Even if I did have enough control not to fuck her senseless, she might not know that.

  I stripped off my underwear and got under the spray. I just stood there a few minutes, letting the water beat down on me. The hotel offered small bottles of shower gel and I poured a generous amount onto my palm. I slicked my shaft and started stroking. It was nowhere near as good as being inside a woman, but this would likely be my life for the foreseeable future. Hell, maybe forever.

  I fought not to make much noise, but a few grunts and moans escaped as I got closer. My hand moved faster, gripp
ing my cock tighter. I thrust against my palm, imagining it was my wife I was fucking, and then I came, shouting out my release as jets of cum bathed my hand and the shower wall. I shuddered from the force of my release, but my dick was still semi-hard. I had a feeling I was cursed to walk around with a hard cock. Especially since my wife was the sexiest woman I’d ever met, and I couldn’t touch her.

  I got out of the shower, dried off, and pulled my underwear back on. I’d have preferred a clean pair, but I wasn’t walking naked into the bedroom to get some. Kalani would probably freak the fuck out if I did that. I shut off the bathroom light and stood in the doorway a moment, then made my way around to my side of the bed. Sliding under the covers, I lay back and held as still as possible. All I wanted to do was reach for her, hold her against me, but I didn’t think that would be welcome. I hated that she was so scared, that she’d been through so much, but I would do what I could to make things better, to give her a happier life.

  Kalani stared at me for a few minutes before she crawled a little closer and lay back down. There was a look of uncertainty on her face, and I wondered if she’d heard me in there. Was that why she hadn’t moved? I flicked off the lamp and tried to relax, which was really fucking hard with my wife lying next to me. A wife I wanted more than I’d ever wanted another woman. A wife who had been badly abused and would likely never welcome my touch.

  I still didn’t regret my decision. She needed me, and I was going to be there for her, in whatever capacity she would allow. If that meant I went to bed with a hard-on every night and couldn’t touch her, then so be it. My hand would just have to take up the slack during my showers. I briefly wondered if you could get carpal tunnel from jacking off.

  Chapter Six

  Kalani

  Two days in Vegas and I was getting to know my new husband better, but I didn’t feel much like a wife. The other couples around us were kissing, hugging, and I had no doubt they were doing much more behind closed doors. Tex held my hand as we walked down the Strip, but I knew he wanted more from me. He’d likely be embarrassed if he knew I could hear him in the shower. My cheeks burned every time I heard him grunting out his pleasure. Other women might feel flattered their husband wanted them like that, but for me all I felt was this all-consuming fear when I thought about sex. And I hated that. I hated that the men at Hillview had so much power over me that even now I was afraid.

  Rationally, I knew what happened to me wasn’t sex. It wasn’t about pleasure, but about control and pain. But the thought of seeing Tex completely naked made my heart nearly stop. Sometimes I wondered if I would ever get over what happened to me, or at least get to a point where I could lead a semi-normal life. I hated being like this, and it made me feel like Hillview had won. The last thing I wanted was for them to control me for the rest of my life. While I might not be physically locked behind those walls anymore, maybe my mind was.

  “What do you want to do?” Tex asked.

  I knew he meant more in the did-I-want-to-catch-a-show way, but his question made me halt in the middle of the sidewalk. What did I want? No one had ever asked what I wanted in the grand scheme of things. Before Tex had freed me, I’d never even been asked what I wanted to eat. But being with him, I faced new questions every day. What did I want to eat? Did I want to buy more clothes? Did I like a certain type of movie? I’d never really been given the opportunity to think about what I wanted or needed. Since the day I was born, my life had been dictated by doctors and staff at Hillview.

  “I want to be free,” I said.

  Tex frowned down at me. “Free? You mean you want a divorce?”

  Oh, he thought I meant I wanted to be away from him. No. The last thing I wanted was for Tex to go away. We’d talked a lot since I’d come to live with him, but maybe it was time for us to have a more serious conversation. He mostly steered clear of anything he thought might upset me, and I appreciated that, but it was time for me to face my problems head-on.

  “Is there somewhere quiet where we can talk?” I asked.

  He rubbed a hand along the whiskers on his jaw. “The hotel? I could order room service, if you’re hungry.”

  The hotel might be perfect for what I had in mind. I nodded, and his hand tightened on mine, before he led me back the way we’d come. Tex stopped at the front desk to place an order for room service, then we rode the elevator up to our floor. One of these days, I’d make my own decisions and order my own food, but I had to admit that I’d enjoyed everything he’d selected for me so far. It wasn’t like he hadn’t asked me before, but I never knew what to say. Ordering for me probably made him feel like he was taking care of me. When we entered our suite, I clasped my hands in front of me, suddenly feeling extremely nervous.

  “What’s going on, Kalani?” he asked. “If all this is too much, if you want to go home, we can do that. I’ll call and make the arrangements today.”

  “I want to stay.”

  He nodded and took a seat on the couch. I eased down next to him and wondered if I should just start talking, or if I should wait for our food to arrive. If we were interrupted in the middle of my emotional and mental purge, then I might not get all the way through it.

  Tex didn’t break the silence between us, just sat patiently waiting. When our food arrived, he took care of everything, then sat back down. He didn’t push, didn’t prod. And for that I was thankful. I took a deep breath and tried to figure out where I wanted to start.

  “You know how me being naked around you doesn’t seem to bother me, but I can’t handle you being naked?” I asked.

  He nodded.

  “For as long as I can remember, someone has watched me shower, watched me dress. Some of the… experiments were even conducted with me being completely naked. While a lot of the things they did to me were painful, I guess I’ve suppressed a lot of it. I think my mind has boxed some of it up and packed it away. I mean, I know those things happened, I remember them. But the way I felt at the time seems… distant.”

  “Kalani, I…”

  I held up a hand. “Just let me get through this. I’m not sure I’ll have the courage if I stop now.”

  “All right.”

  “You know they raped me, and made me do… things. But I was usually dressed those times, and they’d just move my clothes enough to do what they wanted to me. The only times I’ve ever seen a man naked below the waist was when that was happening to me. Logically, I know you wouldn’t hurt me, even if you were completely naked, but I think part of my brain doesn’t understand that. The thought of seeing all of you makes my heart race and brings on a panic attack because I associate that part of a man with pain and humiliation.”

  There was understanding and compassion in his gaze as he looked at me.

  “I don’t want to be damaged all my life, Tex. I want what normal people have. A home. A family. I want to lie next to you in that bed and not be scared every time you move or accidentally touch me. I want to shower with you, with both of us naked, and not freak out. I want…” I bit my lip. “I want to know why the women in movies and books enjoy sex, even ask for it. Dr. Myron said he thought I should talk to a therapist, but after Hillview… I don’t trust doctors. Your Dr. Myron seemed nice enough, and his partner, but I don’t think I want to see a therapist anytime soon. Not officially. I know Dr. Myron’s partner treats minds and not bodies, but I don’t trust those kinds of doctors.”

  “What exactly are you asking, Kalani? I want to give you whatever you need, but I don’t want to make the wrong move.”

  My heart warmed a little more toward him. If someone like me was capable of being in love, I thought I was on my way to falling for Tex. He’d been amazing, kind, and so supportive. I couldn’t have ever asked for a better man to spend my life with, but first I had to fix what was broken inside me.

  “It’s not fair for me to ask this of you, but can we take things one step at a time?” I asked.

  “Like what?”

  I licked my lips. “I like it when you kiss m
e. The books and movies say that all parts of being intimate are nice like that.”

  “And you want to experiment a little? See if you like doing more than kissing?” he asked.

  “Yes, but… I was hoping you would be okay with keeping your clothes on, or at least your pants.”

  Tex moved a little closer and slowly pulled me toward him. “Sweetheart, I’ll give you anything you want or need. If all you ever want to do is give me a kiss here and there, then I’ll be content with that. I don’t want you to do this because you feel like it’s what I want.”

  “I’m not. I want this too. I want to be normal, Tex.” I swallowed hard. What I really wanted was to be loved. I wanted what those couples in the books and movies had.

  He smiled a little. “Normal is overrated. But I’ll do whatever you need me to.”

  My cheeks flushed. “The women are usually undressed. In those scenes.”

  “Why don’t we start out with both of us being fully dressed? If you’re ready for more after that, then we can go a little further. It’s not a race, angel. You set the pace, and I’ll follow your lead.”

  “You’re really okay with this?” I asked. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m being a… a tease. Is that the right word?”

  “Baby, I would never consider you a tease.”

  “Could we start with a kiss?” I asked.

  He smiled and leaned a little closer. “I’ll be happy to kiss you anytime you want.”

  My heart fluttered as his lips pressed against mine. When Tex kissed me, I didn’t feel afraid. I felt… warm, and I just wanted to melt against him, let him hold me and make all the pain and bad memories go away. His tongue flicked against my lower lip, and I let him in. No one had ever kissed me before Tex, not a real kiss. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I followed his lead. We’d shared a few kisses before now, but I still felt awkward.

  “You’re thinking too much,” he said, concern in his gaze. “Are you thinking about… Hillview?”